Press Enter Simulator 2015

I’m not going to lie, I probably spent more time playing FFXIV this weekend than was really healthy.  It’s a super pretty game and I’m just starting to get my head around some of the weirder systems.

That said, I did manage to take a few hours and, um, “play” through a pair of visual novels, for values of “play” that involve reading and listening to dialogue and hitting enter occasionally.

planetarian

Planetarian ~ the reverie of a little planet ~ is one of those that is designed to get you, as they say, right in the feels.  30 years after a massive war starts, and 20 years after mankind has been reduced to a bare fraction of its former self, a scavenger hunting for food and supplies in an abandoned city stumbles into a department-store planetarium where a cheerful robot hostess is still hoping that, one day, customers will come back and see the stars.

It’s a straight-up kinetic novel with no branching choices.  Really good, but I’d recommend experiencing it at a time of day when you can get up afterwards and go outside and see sunshine and make sure that the world is still there.

 

sakura swim club

…and for a complete change of pace, we have the latest entry in the “Sakura (noun)” series.  These games sell themselves pretty heavily on the cute girls and fanservice, and this one isn’t an exception.  On the other hand, the story-to-fanservice ratio is actually pretty favorable; the protagonist is a guy who’s been shuttled around schools his entire life while his family waits for him to live up to his father’s legacy and he has to come to terms with that and figure out what he actually wants to do with his life.

At his latest school, he winds up joining the swim club, a club with such a terrible reputation that it’s down to two members.

Of course, both of them turn out to be seriously cute girls with swimsuit structural integrity issues, so it’s hard to feel TOO bad for the main character’s troubles.

They have their own problems, the main character has his own problems, they become friends and help each other work out their problems, it’s actually kind of charming.  It could actually probably do all right as a VN even without all the pandering, but – let’s be honest – it wouldn’t sell nearly as well.

It’s a Steam game, so it’s technically an all-ages game.

 

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Name Filters and Me

I don’t know WHY FFXIV wouldn’t let me use this perfectly good character name.  I feel oppressed by The Man, as it were.

ffxiv_name

 

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Apparently, “Snaaaake” is spelled with FOUR As.

I’m not sure if these are my favorite google results ever, but they come close.

snaaaake

 

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“Armor”

Two things:

  1. I am no longer amazingly pink.  I am instead a rather distasteful yellow color.
  2. These aren’t pants.  I’ve worn pants.  Lots of pants.  I am familiar with pants.  These, these aren’t pants.

ffxiv_armor

In other news, in case you’re curious, FFXIV does in fact have bouncing chest physics.  Not to the degree of Dead or Alive, but I think it may be the first MMO I’ve seen where that was a thing.

In SLIGHTLY more serious news, I managed to get to level 15 and knocked out the first class-specific skill quest.  I’m having enough fun that I tracked down a copy of the game at a local Fred Meyer’s, so I guess the free trial worked out exactly as they planned.

This isn’t going to help the backlog one bit. 🙂 At least it has a story line that I can “finish”, right?

 

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Lara Croft GO is ridiculously good, and I want more.

laracroftgotitle

I’ve been working hard at making this the Year I Finally Get The Backlog Under Control, and so far I’ve finished nearly 60 games.

This isn’t something I’d be able to do if I was trying to be a completionist, so I’ve been playing games until I hit the end credits and calling it good at that point.

I definitely HAVEN’T been doing anything like this:

laracroftgocheevos

*ahem*

Truth be told, I really wanted the excuse to spend more time with Lara Croft GO, and hunting down all the craftily-hidden relics in the game gave me an excuse.  It also unlocked a costume that will make instant sense to anyone who played the original Saturn game back in nineteen-ninety-whenever…

laracroftgomidas

…even if it may trigger a flashback to one of the more gruesome deaths from a game that had plenty of gruesome deaths to share.

It’s pretty unusual to get Windows Phone support from a major publisher, and they really knocked it out of the park with this one.

I’m dearly hoping that this is followed up with some level packs.  I’m out of excuses to keep playing 🙂

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Going Mobile

It is remarkably easy to get jaded with the current state of the mobile games market – while there are a ton of high-quality games out there, so many of them are based on a f2p whale-hunting model that it’s hard to find the ones that are actually one-time-purchase complete game experiences.

They do exist, though, and I’ve actually been spending enough time out and about recently that I’ve had occasion to play through four of them.  Even more bizarrely, three of the four are available for Windows Phone (all are also available on iOS and Android), and two of the Windows Phone games are universal apps, meaning that you get the PC version included at one price.

arideintothemountains

A Ride into the Mountains (Android/iOS)

A bit heavy on the big pixels, this puts you in the saddle of an horseback archer who has to defend his family’s relics.  Movement is all motion-controlled, firing your bow is done with Angry Birds-style pull-back-and-release controls.  The coordination needed for this can get kind of tricky, and I died an awful lot, but it literally checkpoints after every enemy encounter so the frustration factor is mitigated.  About an hour to an hour and a half between opening and end credits, well worth the 0.99.

monumentvalley

Monument Valley (Windows Phone/Android/iOS)

I got this for free during an Amazon app promo, and this was an absolute steal.  Ten levels of guiding your character around some very Escherian landscapes.  The gimmick is that perspective changes determine reality – so, if you see two paths that don’t cross from one view, rotate the camera around until they are intersecting and suddenly you can move from one to another.  Kind of difficult to describe, but one of the better puzzle games I’ve played in ages.  $3.99 with an add-on pack of extra levels for a few dollars more.

hitmango

Hitman Go (Windows Phone / Android / iOS)

I’ve actually never played any of the full Hitman games, so I don’t know how closely this captures the spirit of those games, but it works pretty well as a puzzle game even without knowing the source material.  The game’s levels present as board games, with every turn the player makes followed by an enemy turn.  In each level, you have one primary goal (get to the exit / assassinate a particular enemy piece) and two secondary goals (steal a briefcase / complete in x turns or fewer / complete without killing any dogs / etc).  Enemy pieces consist of various sorts of guards that follow set paths, you can put on disguises to fool guards or throw objects to distract them, and of course you can take another piece off the board by moving on to it from its sides or from behind.

In most of the levels, the primary goal is pretty straightforward to accomplish.  The optional goals can get a lot trickier, especially “complete in x turns or fewer.”  I’ve been replaying earlier levels even after finishing the game, trying for the optional goals, and I’m coming very close to completing them all.  The temptation to look up solutions in a FAQ is overwhelming, but thus far I have been able to resist.

On Windows Phone, comes with Xbox Live Achievements.  Also comes with the Windows Store version of the application, so you can play it on your PC.  It doesn’t offer cross-save, though, so you can’t easily move from the mobile to the desktop versions.

It was 0.99 on sale, I think it’s $4.99 usually.

laracroftgo

Lara Croft Go (Windows Phone / Android / iOS)

Much like Hitman Go, this translates an action series into a turn-based affair, and has a lot more actual raiding of tombs than most recent entries in the mainline series, which seems to be transitioning to a 3rd-person shooter with cover mechanics and occasional bits where Lara stumbles into a tomb.

After playing Hitman Go, several of the enemy types were very familiar.  The yellow-shirted goons that patrol a set path mindlessly in Hitman Go are replaced by giant spiders in Lara Croft Go, blue-shirted stationary guards are now snakes, guard dogs have been replaced with man-eating lizards, that sort of thing.  You interact with them differently, however – you can grab a torch and make the snakes back away from you, drop lizards down bottomless pits, introduce spiders to the perils of whirling blades, or crush any and all of them – and yourself, if you’re not careful – with massive rolling boulders cribbed directly from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Unlike Hitman Go, each level pretty much has only one objective.  Replay value comes from finding relic pieces hidden throughout the game, some of which are very tricky to find and can only be seen from specific squares of the game boards.  You can tell that the designers had a lot of fun with relic placement; several of them are only visible when Lara is faced with imminent danger or only one move away from completing a given level, so your attention is focused anywhere BUT on looking around the screen for the sparkles indicating a hidden item.

Like Hitman Go, your Windows Phone purchase comes with the desktop version as well.  Sadly, it lost the Xbox Live achievements, but it did pick up the ability to cross-save between desktop and phone.

I’d easily put it as my favorite of these four games.  It does drain battery like mad, so best played in small doses and near a charger.  $4.99, optional costume packs and hints cost extra.

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How Pink Am I?

pinkpeskiffxivcrop

I am pretty goddamn pink, I tell you what.

Not a whole lot of comments on FFXIV just yet, as I’m still in the pre-level-10 stage of running around and collecting between three and six animal body parts for people who send me off to collect animal body parts.  It’s kind of nice not playing a f2p MMO, for whatever that’s worth; there’s not the sense of having a cash shop lurking around every corner.

I’m also still playing Star Ocean: The Last Hope, so I may be spreading myself a little thin. I’m about 26 hours in, though, and I just picked up the last party member, so I think the actual story is about to kick off. Maybe?

Waifu roster so far: one childhood friend, one under-aged catgirl, one under-aged sorceress, one over-endowed sorceress, a SUPER genki slacker meganekko and an airhead with wings who can’t fly. Japan, you’ve outdone yourself.

 

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This should make PERFECT sense, right?

I’m not normally prone to buying new games on day one, but this came bundled with a recent graphics card purchase.

mgsvdownload

This is going to be my first crack at a Metal Gear Solid game since trying the original PS1 game on a demo disc and deciding that it wasn’t my sort of game what with all the sneaking and stuff.  I suspect that I am going to be extremely lost, but what the heck.  It should be pretty, anyway.

 

 

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Square Enix, You Are Bad At This

I’ve been, like, 99% MMO clean for a few months now.

It feels pretty good!  I’ve cleared a ton of single player games, done some house projects, and generally reveled in all the free time you have when you’re not scrambling to get that next level or rare drop.

But, I have a friend at work who’s been trying to talk me into Final Fantasy XIV, and apparently they have some sort of recruitment thing going on.  So, I had an email drop into my inbox with a code to put in… somewhere… that would signify that I was starting this game on his recommendation and, presumably, give us both virtual items.

He also said that I could make my very own catgirl, and I’m always up for adding another catgirl to the stable.

That sounded weird.  Let’s move on.

So I decided to give it a try, and I looked at the email again, and this is where I started to get very confused.  There were several links in the email, and I clicked them all in turn, but none of them lead me to any site where I could download the free trial version of the software.  There was a link to Square Enix account management, and I clicked on that, and it loaded up my account, and there were links there to buy the thing, but nothing on getting the trial.

So, I went on to Google and found the 14-day free trial client, and downloaded that, and it took me to a sign-in page, and I signed in with my Square Enix account, and it told me that I needed to purchase the game client before playing, as I’d participated in the FFXIV beta program and was not eligible for a free trial.

Fine, I said, I will make a new account.

I tried signing in with that new account, and was likewise rebuffed.  There’s no way to create a trial account via the Square Enix account page, it MUST be done from the trial client, and the trial client wasn’t letting me do it.

Some extra web searches lead me to a thread on the steam forums that explained that the trial client will only let you make an account if FFXIV has never been run on the computer, so I uninstalled the trial client, and I deleted the FFXIV folder from Document\My Games, and I ran it AGAIN and it finally gave me the option to make a trial account.

Progress!

And I logged in, and made a catgirl with a giant axe.

ffxiv_char

By this point, with all the hassles I’d had getting the software installed and a trial account created, and then getting the client patched up, I’d spent about five hours on FFXIV and was looking forward to logging in and hitting some things with the giant axe.

There was only one problem.  See, obviously I’d want to play on the same server as my friend and…

ffxiv_error

I looked this up.  Apparently if a server is full, you need to wait for it to calm down a bit before logging in.  The server he plays on is an Oceanic server, so prime time there is Japan time.

It was roughly 11 PM Saturday, Pacific time, which translates to 3 PM Japan time on Sunday.  Obviously tons of people would be playing.

I saved my character’s appearance, logged off, and figured I would try again when the server had calmed down.

I started trying to get on at 3:30 on Monday morning Japan time, and kept trying until 7:30 AM Japan time.  The server is theoretically as dead as it’s ever going to be, and it’s still locked to new characters.   The only way to join my friend, as far as I can tell, is to buy the game client, buy a month’s subscription time, play for three days on whatever server WILL allow characters, and then spend $18 on a server transfer…

…and Square even says, on their server transfer page, that if the server I am asking to transfer to is too busy, they reserve the right to move me to a different server than the one requested, without a refund.

So, I’m really not sure what the point of the recruit a friend program is.  I guess it’s “recruit your friends who are willing to buy the game sight unseen and are comfortable with the notion that they may never get to play together” ?

Follow up: I decided to give it one final try before uninstalling the thing, and actually managed to make a character on the appropriate server at about 8:30AM Japan time. So, that only took five hours of trying.  

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I thought I knew what these words meant

…but, trust me, right now I’m hoping they don’t mean what I think they mean.  And, even if there’s a less-disturbing meaning, I still don’t think this is anything I’d want to put on my hair.

henna_n_placenta

Seriously, you could print “Completely reverses the effects of male pattern baldness” on the front of this bag and I think it would still be a hard sell.

 

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