I finished* Elden Ring today.  That’s “Finished*” with a big ol’ Roger-Maris-61* style asterisk, because after about four hours of hoping the final boss would get tired of bruising his knuckles with my face I finally gave up and summoned another player to help me get over the last hurdle.

I probably would have stuck with it until I got gud enough on my own, if From hadn’t decided to make the last fight a two-parter where the first boss dies easy but does enough damage that you go through several charges of Estus Crimson Tears before the second boss comes out and spends most of its time running away from you and killing you with ranged attacks.  But, sadly, getting gud enough just didn’t seem to be in the cards and I was getting tired of the hourly reminders from my watch telling me to stand up and, you know, move around just a little bit.

Anyway.  I have confessed my cardinal sin, and now I’ll move right on to the blasphemy:  Of the six From Software souls-and-souls-like games I’ve played, I would 100% play any of the other five again before even thinking about starting Elden Ring a second time.  It’s just too dang big, and in a way that seriously dampens down the fun factor.  The first twenty hours or so, when you’re just getting established and exploring and accidentally taking portals to places you should not be and meeting other people for jolly co-operation, those are great.  And the last twenty hours, after you finally get into Leyndell and discover this massive sprawling maze of a dungeon/city with really cool bosses, those are great too.

Unfortunately, I played for about 80 hours, and the middle 40 hours were spent mostly picking the game up again every few months, trying to figure out where to go next, killing a boss or two and then putting it down with a vague sense that I was just playing because I’d paid full price for the game and SHOULD be loving it.  It took me like 2 and a half years to finish.

A lot of that time and frustration can be attributed to a specific, very inconspicuous ladder.  I got to the Atlas Plateau, ran into an obviously broken bridge, couldn’t find any way to get across it, assumed it was a dead end, and then spent hours roaming the map looking for an alternate way to get to the other side of the chasm.  I confess I am harboring some unkind thoughts towards whoever decided to make it blend in to the cliff face so very nicely.

Frustration with that and with the final boss fight aside, I’m not calling it a bad game.  For one thing, I don’t actually want to look out my window and see a mob with torches and pitchforks, and for another it’s an absolutely brilliant piece of work.  It definitely earned every one of those awards it racked up in 2022.  For me, though, I think I’m definitely a fan of From’s earlier and more linear experiences.

I did wind up marrying a blue chick with four arms.  I think we got married, anyway.  I’m not sure I had much choice in the matter.  10/10 would recommend for that.