Being a basically immature individual.

Discovering Evan Dorkin in my late teens may not have been the best thing for me.  That point in your life is when you’re supposed to start Growing Up, and I was doing an OK job of it… and then I found Hectic Planet.  I’m not going to say it’s completely responsible for my spending the last few decades with a maturity level stuck at roughly twelve years old, but it was certainly a contributing factor.

It’s in this general spirit that I regularly seek out and eat novelty “food” items, most of which are Very Bad For Me.  That’s your rainbow frappucinos, your grossly-oversized burgers, your deep-fried-anything.  Fair food.

Frankly, it’s a wonder I’ve lived this long.

Anyway, Carl’s Jr is currently selling a limited edition dessert item consisting of a box of Froot Loops-themed mini donuts, and I would like to be very clear that I was actually sort of being an adult here.  I did NOT go to Carl’s Jr to buy a box as soon as I found out about them.

On the other hand, when my wife asked me if I wouldn’t mind stopping at their drive-thru window so I could bring home burgers, well… obviously it was a sign.

Froot Loops were always a favorite cereal of mine when I was a small lad, and I have fond memories of getting up early on Saturdays to watch cartoons and pound down bowl after bowl of, basically, a shaped and brightly-colored sugar substrate.

I have less fond memories of the first time I actually made myself sick in the process.  But let us continue.

What you get for your money is five tiny donuts in gloriously brilliant shades of neon.

Hilariously, when I went to find the nutritional information for these things on the Carls Jr web site, I found them filed under “breakfast sides” and not “desserts”, which is, um, creative if nothing else.  I guess it’s because they’re cereal themed, but the Dave Berry gag about “part of a balanced breakfast” has never seemed more appropriate.

For the record, the box of donuts is 320 calories – less than a package of Pop Tarts –  so it’s not the absolute worst thing you could be eating.  Take that to heart as you order your own box.

I expected… well, I expected the worst, to be honest.  I have never been a fan of Hostess Donettes, and that’s what these kind of look like.  I also haven’t eaten the cereal these are based on since those days of Saturday morning cartoons, so I was expecting to have some last bits of my childhood ruined.

With that last bit in mind, I cannot say for certain whether these actually taste like Froot Loops cereal.  I CAN say that they have a taste and smell that is 100% faithful to my MEMORY of Froot Loops, so at the very least they are powerful nostalgia bombs.

As a display of self control, I actually did offer my wife one.  Since she is far more of an adult than I will ever hope to be, she graciously declined.  Her loss.

I probably shouldn’t go back to Carl’s Jr until these things have left the menu.  The urge to buy a couple of boxes and bring them home and pour milk on them is strong, and I think – no, I am certain – that I would regret the experience.

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