My dear readers:
I would like to say that I am writing this from the comfort of my Tokyo hotel room.
The sad truth is that there is no place on earth that could be comfortable right now.
I have, once again, in an effort to report on the topics people really want to know about, delved into the seedy underbelly of Japanese fast food.
But I delved too greedily, and too deep.
Tonight I tried the Mega Tamago. In a land where food portions tend to the smallish, McDonalds has tried to go in exactly the opposite direction. The Mega Tamago – or, as it will be called from now on, the McGutPunch (with egg) – consists of:
- A top, middle, and bottom bun.
- Three hamburger patties.
- A fried egg.
- Two strips of bacon.
- And some pathetic scraps of lettuce, glued into the whole thing with sesame dressing.
It didn’t have any flavor of its own, except what the sesame dressing provided. The rest of the contents could as well have been inert slabs of any vaguely textured material – their only purpose was to be greasy, and greasy they were.
I had been provided with a single napkin; it was rendered useless before I was half done with the monstrosity. I found myself grateful for the packets of advertising tissues I’ve collected during my stay.
I ate it – it is more accurate to say that I forced it down. I ate the fries, thankful in so many ways that they were salty and crunchy. I drank my cola, and now… now I have regret.
Not plural, as in “I have regrets” – I have only one regret, and that is that I ever laid eyes upon the McGutPunch (with egg).
If I were, say, a youth of seventeen again, I could probably have eaten the thing, and possibly enjoyed it enough to order a second. If I were a youth of seventeen again, and wound up NOT able to handle it, at least I could have blamed it on the foolishness of youth.
As a theoretically grown man, I have no such resilience, and no excuse.
Tomorrow, who knows?
I may rise from this a stronger man, ready once more to seek out the worst Japan has to offer.
I’ll let you know then.